What Lies Beneath

One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish...old fish, new fish—NO DANG FISH!

I knew what should lie beneath the waters of my little pond—ten assorted Koi and Shubunkin— but I couldn’t see them with my own eyes.

Day after day I stared into the murky water of my fish pond. My eyes sometimes watered from the strain of squinting—and hoping. Hoping for some sign of life beyond the bumpy eyes of the frogs that followed me from beneath the lily pads!

Of course my husband wasn’t the least bit concerned. He said I just had to be patient and trust that they were there. But the Good Lord knows that this girl likes to get a sign!

And so it was, as I stood peering into the water one day faithfully sprinkling fish food, that I saw something move. Something darted beneath the water’s surface—and it wasn’t a frog!  And with my excitement came the familiar feeling of peace I receive when I finally see what God really wants me to see—and I pictured God grinning as He said, “Here’s your sign!”

🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟

Too often I view life much as I had viewed my little fish pond. I imagine how things should appear in my own life, the lives of my children, my family and friends. But the unexpected, the unanticipated—the muck and mire from the past and fear of the future—can muddy the surface of our lives. Cloud our vision, our faith, and dim our confidence in the promises of God.

Some simple pond-pondering:

• Don’t let fear, worry, anger or other negative thoughts clog your mind and heart.
• Keep your filters—your hearts and minds—clean!
• Accept the good with the bad. God uses both to shape our character—ponds attract both fish and frogs!
• What lies beneath—or seems hidden or unclear will eventually come to light. You do your part, with faith that God will handle the rest in His perfect timing.

And so it is now that the pond by which I thought I would sit and ponder so deeply and profoundly has become a place that reminds me that what lies beneath—what lies within me—are faith, hope, and love.

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see (Hebrews 11:1)

Now, take a minute to see what I now see. 

Postcards from Nowhere

                                                         December 28, 2016

Dear Friends:

I am here! I am here! The going was a bit rough, but I made it!  I woke up early this morning, even though I could have slept in. Crazy, huh? But, there are so many things I want to do that I could not do back there—I can’t wait to get started! I hope I didn’t forget to bring anything—probably not; you know I hate to leave things behind and pack things I don’t even need!  I will write again soon and let you know all about the new people, places, and great things I am doing. 

XOXO - Love you and wish you were here!
_______________________________________________________________



                                                                     March 29, 2017

Dear Friends,

I know, I know—it’s been 3 months since I’ve written. Sorry, my bad. I bet you think I fell off the face of the planet. It’s just... well, things here aren’t exactly as I imagined they would be. I tend to get a bit lost (not surprising). Don’t get me wrong, this place ain’t bad by any means. I mean, none of that same old work-stress, traffic, and dressing up. Yoga pants, jeans, tennis shoes, and flip flops—awesome, right?   But, want to know something weird? Now that I am here, I realize it’s not much different from there! But, I am sure I will find my way around soon!

XOXO - Love you and wish you were here!
_____________________________________________________________

And so, friends, here I am. What felt like NOWHERE a month ago, is my here and now. 

Now, I am the girl with the to-do list. In fact, I am the girl that adds to her list the things she has already done so that she can feel the satisfaction of crossing stuff off the list! Always things to do. Always a goal to reach. A place to be. A need to get from here to there. But when you get there, you find you are here—or for some 80’s movie trivia, recall the wisdom of Buckaroo Bonzai: “Cause no matter where you go, there you are” (The Adventures of Buckaroo Bonzai Across the 8th Dimension, 1984). 

So, the most important lesson I’ve learned is to be present.

A difficult task for me because the present is not always a pleasant place. I want to know what lies ahead and I want to know now! But, instead of talking over top of God I am learning to be still and let my heart sense what He has to say. As I have practiced being still, reflecting instead of deflecting, I am learning to accept that problems will always persist. But why do wounds, which I thought were healed, remain tender? Challenges associated with the past still plague me?

Breaking the silence of my stillness I recently screamed at God, “Why do I feel so lost? Confused? Overwhelmed? What is wrong with me?”

And every so gently I sensed Him telling me to “check my bags”.

Huh? 


I needed to check my proverbial baggage. And there they were, hidden in the recesses of my heart and mind, the things I thought I left behind: fear of failure, doubt in my God-given abilities and talents, guilt that I can never do enough, fear of saying, “no”, along with an assortment of other accessories.

It’s time to throw away the things I once wore. God knows the problems I will face, what appear to be giants in my own eyes. The promise that God gave to the Israelites regarding the promised land holds true for me: He has brought me to the place he promised. I am not to be afraid of any difficulty or trial because He is with me.  It will take time to overcome my enemies: my internal critic, my insecurities, my fears, and doubts. God is preparing me, showing me that in order to grow and accomplish all that He has for me, I need to depend on Him and trust Him, daily—now—here.

I hope you get a chance to visit NOWHERE. When you do, be sure to send a postcard 😉

“Little by little I will drive them out from before you, until you have increased”

 Exodus 12:20, NKJV

Are We There Yet? (Part 1 of my journey into the promised land)

Maybe you read the story or saw a movie about Moses and the Israelite’s journey out of Egypt. If so, you may recall that God first led the Israelites to Egypt to escape a dire famine. And there they stayed for hundreds of years. While initially a place of provision, the inevitable groaning that rises from captivity—a place where one does not belong— was heard. And God made for them a way out.

Moses told them they were on their way to the promised land! Cue high fives and shouts of joy—headed to a land flowing with milk and honey!

If you know the rest of the story, you know that the trip didn’t quite meet their expectations. It was a long and winding road indeed. They didn’t follow directions, but were instead led by their feelings, fears, and emotions.

“Meh...I don’t feel like waiting on Moses to finish his meeting with God and come down from that mountain. I don’t trust him, even if God did get us out of Egypt (with parting gifts of silver and gold), part the Red Sea, and destroy those who wanted to drag us back into slavery.  Let’s make a cool golden calf and .... party like it’s 1999 (B.C.).

And, there you have it. The people sidetracked themselves. Instead of entering a place of rest, they wandered in the desert for 40 years, wondering, “Are we there yet?”

                                                          😩 😩 😩 😩 😩 😩 😩 😩 😩 😩 😩 😩 😩 😩 😩 😩 😩

I escaped my proverbial “Egypt” two months ago, yesterday, as I left full time employment in the corporate world. Don’t misunderstand, I was not a slave to some harsh taskmaster. Quite the contrary, for over twenty years I was blessed to work with some phenomenal people. God undeniably led me to a place of provision to help me support my kids and establish a path for opportunity. And I am grateful. But, over the years I became a captive, nonetheless. My own insecurities, people-pleasing tendencies, and a need for the familiar left me feeling tethered to a job situation that chafed at me, made me uncomfortable, and fueled an inner frustration. My provision had become a prison.

Until God made a way out.

Doors shut, then opened. I was accepted into grad school and able to resign from my job. I could almost smell the days of wine and roses— meaningful discourse with fellow grad students,  a part time job, plenty of time to catch up on personal projects, and time with my family.  No more 5 a.m. alarms, stressful drive times, and long hours. This is it, the place of rest—the promised land is up ahead!

⥀ ⥀ ⥀ ⥀ ⥀ ⥀ ⥀ ⥀ ⥀ ⥀ ⥀ ⥀ ⥀ ⥀ ⥀ ⥀

Am I there yet?

I have to wonder, Did I make a wrong turn?  Where is the milk and honey? The hammock and the umbrella drinks? The carefree days ?  

Although I start each day with hope and a smile, spend the morning reading God’s Word and journaling, listening to inspirational podcasts from faves like Joyce Meyer and Steven Furtick from Elevation Church, my skin has crackled with the itch of anxiety, fear, and doubt. Each day has often felt like a roller coaster, where I am lurching upward on tracks of hopes and dreams, knowing the downhill slide of worry and what if lay just ahead. Not what I expected.

Hey, God! I don’t know how it happened, but I think I’m lost. I am stuck here, in the middle of NOWHERE!

And ever so quietly in my spirit today, while in the shower, no less—there was God telling me this is EXACTLY where He wants me to be. He made a way for me to leave Egypt behind and come to this place. Nowhere.

NOW here. Here, where, God will help me face my enemies.

Stay tuned for the rest of the journey....

Home is where the heart is...who is living in yours?

When I remarried almost three years ago, I had the bright idea to rent out my home. The first tenants were complete strangers; so, perhaps not a complete surprise that they left within a few months—short on rent and long on damages. The next occupant seemed a perfect fit. And for almost a year my home appeared to be well-maintained and the rent was on time. I relaxed. Everything looked great from the outside. But, everything hidden eventually comes to light.

When I lived in my little yellow house—the first home I had ever owned—I loved to mow the grass. I looked at it as the perfect opportunity to burn some calories—and reflect.  So, this past weekend I found myself mowing and mulling at my old house. Back and forth across the accumulation of crabgrass and clover, I pushed the mower and recalled how adorable and comfortable my home once was. The grass well-maintained. The backyard a calm and peaceful place to sit and read (except for the barking of the neighbors dogs). Inside, each room was colorful and inviting. Until I allowed other people to take up residence.

Then, over the dull roar of the lawnmower—God.
Gently asking me if I cared as much about the state of my heart as I did about a home.

Isn’t your heart My home? Will you take greater care in deciding who you let into your heart—My home—than you did this house? 

God, you got me.
I asked Jesus into my heart. And Your Holy Spirit lives in me.  You know me. You love me better than anyone. Am I paying as much attention as I should to the condition of Your home?

Mowing right along, I realized that I am now paying the price—financial and emotional—for my inattention to the condition of my home and the character of the tenants who lived there. To make things right, to maintain the value of my property, I will make repairs. But, I will not value a house above the state of my heart.

I have often rented or sublet my heart quite cheaply, with some pretty messy results. But God. BUT GOD!
The God who loves me, who lives in my heart—how many times has He fixed my mess?  Time and again, He has repaired my damaged heart. He has brought healing—made me whole.

God is not an absent landlord. His son paid the price for my heart—and yours—at Calvary. Crazy, right? He owns my heart, yet He enters in only when invited. As I trust in Him, He works to make my heart, His home, larger and more beautiful than I could ever imagine.

Who is living in your heart?

"...Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,” (Ephesians 3:17 - 19, NLT)

                                                                                                     

What the caterpillar thought

or did she?

This dying to self, becoming something new - this is a bit of work!, thought the caterpillar. How many times had she shed her skin as she grew? Different colors, different sizes. Still, she knew she was not yet what she was meant to be.

So, here she was, tucked away on the underside of a leaf, trying something new. Something...life-changing. Creating this cocoon had certainly been hard work. To what end? She was not sure, but she had faith that she would be better than before.

Encased in her silken world, she felt safe, at peace. Yet, she was also full of excitement and anticipation. She felt something shifting and changing inside.She imagined reentering the world as a beautiful and wise butterfly. Loved and adored by all. No longer a creeping caterpillar.
Soon, I will be free. Different.
 
Even so, that demon of doubt sometimes plagued her as she lay nestled inside her protective cocoon.

This is taking so long! Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I won't be more than what I have always been....

But just when the caterpillar thought that her life might never change, she emerged from her cocoon. A  beautiful new...

moth?


What? Wait, that isn’t how the story is supposed to go!






Well, let's face it people. Some stories don't turn out the way you expect. Rest assured though, God has written our stories exactly as they should be. Transformation does not happen overnight - true story! Metamorphosis takes place after we've made some outward changes, while God changes up the inside. It happens when we allow ourselves to be covered and protected—over time. And when the time is right, we will be new creatures. Moth or butterfly, it matters not. Butterflies may be admired for their beauty, but moths create silken beauty.  Both are valued, loved, and prized for the qualities instilled by the Creator.


Over the past few years, I have committed to doing life with others in my church. I recently realized that it has been within the cocoon of my small group(s) that my life has changed. Transformation does not take place in isolation! It is within the cocoon of fellowship, a connection with life-giving friends and mentors that lives change.


Choose to let your life be wrapped up and covered with the prayers, encouragement, laughter, and accountability of life-giving friends. Over time, the old will pass away; you will be transformed.

Once I was a caterpillar, trying to change my life by changing my skin. Changing what the world saw in me. I wanted to be a beautiful butterfly, adored and accepted. I slipped from one sinful skin to the next—still I was but a caterpillar. Who am I now? The world will judge that according to its standards, but I do know that it doesn't really matter what I look like. "For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” (1 Samuel: 17:7, ESV).





The Luna Moth,
a beauty in its own right.
For more on moths and butterflies... 

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold,the new has come - 2 Corinthians 5:17, ESV

Paper Hearts

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Everywhere you go....

But, it’s February, you say. 

Yes. And today is Valentine’s Eve. Men congregate at various roadside stands, supermarkets or chain stores searching for the least-wilted bouquet of flowers. The good chocolates—the ones with the map on the inside—are probably gone by now. And the cards—let’s talk about the cards!

According to the Greeting Card Association, an estimated 1 billion Valentine’s Day cards are sent each year! Second only to Christmas. Ladies, you purchase approximately 85 percent of all valentines (www.history.com, 2009)

Paper hearts. Pretty colors, be-ribboned, bedazzled with glitter, declaring that you are special and beloved. You are the one. You are favored. You are loved. 

How can something so flimsy and disposable hold such power over us? Let’s think back to this day of love in elementary school. Were you the girl (or boy) whose paper bag was stuffed to the brim with valentines cards? Or maybe your paper bag was like a potato chip bag—mostly stuffed with air. Almost empty. 

Certainly, we gain a better understanding of love as we grow older—right? I’ll be honest. I didn’t. I believed what was written on every love card I was dealt and I was always left feeling hurt or disappointed. Empty. 

The beauty of emptiness is that there is then, finally, room for truth to seep in. To fill up. I traded my empty heart for a new one. And the new one is not paper-thin. It is soft and large. It is sensitive to the Holy Spirit—to the way in which God loves me and would have me love others. Just as He promised.

I'm going to give you a new heart, and I'm going to give you a new spirit within all of your deepest parts. I’ll remove that rock-hard heart of yours and replace it with one that’s sensitive to me (Ezekiel 36:26, ISV).

If on this Valentine’s Day you find yourself without a human hand to hold, a special person with whom to exchange paper hearts, know this—the greatest love is waiting for you. God loves each of us, not because we are lovable, but because He is love (Lewis, C.S.). Written within God’s valentine to us—His Word—we find that love is not found in a box of chocolates, a bouquet of roses, or a fancy meal. It looks nothing like the commercials:

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.  It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance (1 Corinthians 13:4-7, NLT).

The Space Between

So, here we are. It is the middle of January. For many of us, the excitement and joy of the Christmas holiday may have faded. The peace that came with our acknowledgement of the reason for the season—the gift of Jesus —may not sit so securely within your heart right now.  So, what happened between December and January?

The Christmas tree, the wreaths from the windows, the tinsel and pretty paper have been carted to the burn pile or packed away in the attic. The outward signs of the joyous season are gone.  The meats and sweets, the time of gathering with friends and family has been supplanted by resolution-planning, gym-joining, and lists of what not to do in this new year. We return to work and school and think about the next holiday that will allow us to take time out of work and school. 

We are in the space between what was and what is to come.

The space between what's wrong and right

Is where you'll find me hiding, waiting for you

The space between your heart and mine

Is the space we’ll fill with time.

I love The Dave Matthews Band (DMB),  and I especially love their song The Space Between.  As I read the lyrics, I cannot help but apply the essence of the love-relationship song to my relationship with God. God is always waiting for me. I cannot squeeze Him into any corner, nor will He ever not have time for me. Yet, like many of you, I often find there is a feeling of emptiness at this time of year. Why is that and how do I fill it? How do I fill the time?

I think the secret is very simple. Gratitude. 

Remember in November when we posted on Facebook the things for which we were grateful? (And we intended to do that every day of the year, not just around the Thanksgiving holiday!) And the day after Thanksgiving kicked off the Christmas season. Even with the stress of holiday shopping, we were on a roll, a high. Do you remember the feeling of gratitude that enveloped us during that time of giving and receiving? The warmth of kindness we felt as we helped those in need? The joy that came with worshipping our saviour with songs, prayers, and praise? 

That season, those feelings, are not controlled by the calendar. The season can be eternal. Fill the space in your heart with gratitude to God and you will begin to look at your life with awe, renewed hope, and patience. The new year will blush pink with promise, not the blueish hue of sadness. Give thanks for the ordinary and the extraordinary. 

The quiet dusting of winter dew, untouched in early morning light. 

The silent, enormous message of love conveyed in the goodbye wave of an elderly parent.

Arms wrapped around tight, the healing hug.

Farmhouses, held together by old paint and a firm foundation, still standing to testify to life and love.

God’s Word. The promise that there is no empty space between you and Him.  

 Gratitude bestows reverence, allowing us to encounter everyday epiphanies, those transcendent moments of awe that change forever how we experience life and the world.

 - John Milton