What Lies Beneath

One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish...old fish, new fish—NO DANG FISH!

I knew what should lie beneath the waters of my little pond—ten assorted Koi and Shubunkin— but I couldn’t see them with my own eyes.

Day after day I stared into the murky water of my fish pond. My eyes sometimes watered from the strain of squinting—and hoping. Hoping for some sign of life beyond the bumpy eyes of the frogs that followed me from beneath the lily pads!

Of course my husband wasn’t the least bit concerned. He said I just had to be patient and trust that they were there. But the Good Lord knows that this girl likes to get a sign!

And so it was, as I stood peering into the water one day faithfully sprinkling fish food, that I saw something move. Something darted beneath the water’s surface—and it wasn’t a frog!  And with my excitement came the familiar feeling of peace I receive when I finally see what God really wants me to see—and I pictured God grinning as He said, “Here’s your sign!”

🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟🐟

Too often I view life much as I had viewed my little fish pond. I imagine how things should appear in my own life, the lives of my children, my family and friends. But the unexpected, the unanticipated—the muck and mire from the past and fear of the future—can muddy the surface of our lives. Cloud our vision, our faith, and dim our confidence in the promises of God.

Some simple pond-pondering:

• Don’t let fear, worry, anger or other negative thoughts clog your mind and heart.
• Keep your filters—your hearts and minds—clean!
• Accept the good with the bad. God uses both to shape our character—ponds attract both fish and frogs!
• What lies beneath—or seems hidden or unclear will eventually come to light. You do your part, with faith that God will handle the rest in His perfect timing.

And so it is now that the pond by which I thought I would sit and ponder so deeply and profoundly has become a place that reminds me that what lies beneath—what lies within me—are faith, hope, and love.

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see (Hebrews 11:1)

Now, take a minute to see what I now see. 

Postcards from Nowhere

                                                         December 28, 2016

Dear Friends:

I am here! I am here! The going was a bit rough, but I made it!  I woke up early this morning, even though I could have slept in. Crazy, huh? But, there are so many things I want to do that I could not do back there—I can’t wait to get started! I hope I didn’t forget to bring anything—probably not; you know I hate to leave things behind and pack things I don’t even need!  I will write again soon and let you know all about the new people, places, and great things I am doing. 

XOXO - Love you and wish you were here!
_______________________________________________________________



                                                                     March 29, 2017

Dear Friends,

I know, I know—it’s been 3 months since I’ve written. Sorry, my bad. I bet you think I fell off the face of the planet. It’s just... well, things here aren’t exactly as I imagined they would be. I tend to get a bit lost (not surprising). Don’t get me wrong, this place ain’t bad by any means. I mean, none of that same old work-stress, traffic, and dressing up. Yoga pants, jeans, tennis shoes, and flip flops—awesome, right?   But, want to know something weird? Now that I am here, I realize it’s not much different from there! But, I am sure I will find my way around soon!

XOXO - Love you and wish you were here!
_____________________________________________________________

And so, friends, here I am. What felt like NOWHERE a month ago, is my here and now. 

Now, I am the girl with the to-do list. In fact, I am the girl that adds to her list the things she has already done so that she can feel the satisfaction of crossing stuff off the list! Always things to do. Always a goal to reach. A place to be. A need to get from here to there. But when you get there, you find you are here—or for some 80’s movie trivia, recall the wisdom of Buckaroo Bonzai: “Cause no matter where you go, there you are” (The Adventures of Buckaroo Bonzai Across the 8th Dimension, 1984). 

So, the most important lesson I’ve learned is to be present.

A difficult task for me because the present is not always a pleasant place. I want to know what lies ahead and I want to know now! But, instead of talking over top of God I am learning to be still and let my heart sense what He has to say. As I have practiced being still, reflecting instead of deflecting, I am learning to accept that problems will always persist. But why do wounds, which I thought were healed, remain tender? Challenges associated with the past still plague me?

Breaking the silence of my stillness I recently screamed at God, “Why do I feel so lost? Confused? Overwhelmed? What is wrong with me?”

And every so gently I sensed Him telling me to “check my bags”.

Huh? 


I needed to check my proverbial baggage. And there they were, hidden in the recesses of my heart and mind, the things I thought I left behind: fear of failure, doubt in my God-given abilities and talents, guilt that I can never do enough, fear of saying, “no”, along with an assortment of other accessories.

It’s time to throw away the things I once wore. God knows the problems I will face, what appear to be giants in my own eyes. The promise that God gave to the Israelites regarding the promised land holds true for me: He has brought me to the place he promised. I am not to be afraid of any difficulty or trial because He is with me.  It will take time to overcome my enemies: my internal critic, my insecurities, my fears, and doubts. God is preparing me, showing me that in order to grow and accomplish all that He has for me, I need to depend on Him and trust Him, daily—now—here.

I hope you get a chance to visit NOWHERE. When you do, be sure to send a postcard 😉

“Little by little I will drive them out from before you, until you have increased”

 Exodus 12:20, NKJV

Are We There Yet? (Part 1 of my journey into the promised land)

Maybe you read the story or saw a movie about Moses and the Israelite’s journey out of Egypt. If so, you may recall that God first led the Israelites to Egypt to escape a dire famine. And there they stayed for hundreds of years. While initially a place of provision, the inevitable groaning that rises from captivity—a place where one does not belong— was heard. And God made for them a way out.

Moses told them they were on their way to the promised land! Cue high fives and shouts of joy—headed to a land flowing with milk and honey!

If you know the rest of the story, you know that the trip didn’t quite meet their expectations. It was a long and winding road indeed. They didn’t follow directions, but were instead led by their feelings, fears, and emotions.

“Meh...I don’t feel like waiting on Moses to finish his meeting with God and come down from that mountain. I don’t trust him, even if God did get us out of Egypt (with parting gifts of silver and gold), part the Red Sea, and destroy those who wanted to drag us back into slavery.  Let’s make a cool golden calf and .... party like it’s 1999 (B.C.).

And, there you have it. The people sidetracked themselves. Instead of entering a place of rest, they wandered in the desert for 40 years, wondering, “Are we there yet?”

                                                          😩 😩 😩 😩 😩 😩 😩 😩 😩 😩 😩 😩 😩 😩 😩 😩 😩

I escaped my proverbial “Egypt” two months ago, yesterday, as I left full time employment in the corporate world. Don’t misunderstand, I was not a slave to some harsh taskmaster. Quite the contrary, for over twenty years I was blessed to work with some phenomenal people. God undeniably led me to a place of provision to help me support my kids and establish a path for opportunity. And I am grateful. But, over the years I became a captive, nonetheless. My own insecurities, people-pleasing tendencies, and a need for the familiar left me feeling tethered to a job situation that chafed at me, made me uncomfortable, and fueled an inner frustration. My provision had become a prison.

Until God made a way out.

Doors shut, then opened. I was accepted into grad school and able to resign from my job. I could almost smell the days of wine and roses— meaningful discourse with fellow grad students,  a part time job, plenty of time to catch up on personal projects, and time with my family.  No more 5 a.m. alarms, stressful drive times, and long hours. This is it, the place of rest—the promised land is up ahead!

⥀ ⥀ ⥀ ⥀ ⥀ ⥀ ⥀ ⥀ ⥀ ⥀ ⥀ ⥀ ⥀ ⥀ ⥀ ⥀

Am I there yet?

I have to wonder, Did I make a wrong turn?  Where is the milk and honey? The hammock and the umbrella drinks? The carefree days ?  

Although I start each day with hope and a smile, spend the morning reading God’s Word and journaling, listening to inspirational podcasts from faves like Joyce Meyer and Steven Furtick from Elevation Church, my skin has crackled with the itch of anxiety, fear, and doubt. Each day has often felt like a roller coaster, where I am lurching upward on tracks of hopes and dreams, knowing the downhill slide of worry and what if lay just ahead. Not what I expected.

Hey, God! I don’t know how it happened, but I think I’m lost. I am stuck here, in the middle of NOWHERE!

And ever so quietly in my spirit today, while in the shower, no less—there was God telling me this is EXACTLY where He wants me to be. He made a way for me to leave Egypt behind and come to this place. Nowhere.

NOW here. Here, where, God will help me face my enemies.

Stay tuned for the rest of the journey....